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I was always the guy who made fun of people and their picnics. Did my ball knock over your red plastic cups that you brought out for your ridiculous fucking picnic? There was no way anyone would fuck me in that place, and if someone would have, it would have been very clear that that person had some serious problems. " I'm sure just reading it there are ovaries drying up all around the country.

Rule number two: I couldn't do anything that cost money because I had no more than 0 in my bank at any time and paid the bills catering Mexican food three times a week. So, I had no money to take people out, and I had nowhere to take them back to when I did take them out and, on top of that, they had to find their own way to and from whatever free places we were going to.

I know some of you are thinking, "There must have been some times when you didn't have to go out with a parent, right? " Not only was there no room, but I had decided I wasn't going to introduce my kids to anyone who I didn't think was going to be in their lives for a long time. In the past, I had ignored the flustered-looking woman who was wearing sweatpants in the supermarket and looking at a list, while shuffling through a pocket full of coupons. Sex, however, was always good and they were always up for a roll around as long as it fit into the schedule. At first, I had no idea what would happen or if I would ever get laid again. I've been through exactly what you're going through. The best part is that she gave a running drunk commentary as she read the book. She literally, no exaggeration, would see women talking to me (this is at 8 am, mind you), walk up, grab my Johnson, and say things like, "You ready for this black bitch? Don't get me wrong, I was really fuckin' turned on by it, and that worked every time she did it, but the frenzy was something I couldn't understand.

There had to be some young'un who was willing to share the wealth." Nope. On top of that, my apartment was a fucking disaster. I would never look up to see the exhausted-looking women at the park, who sat in the shade with books, looking like they hadn't been off their feet since the beginning of time. (Continues...) Excerpted from It Takes Balls by Josh Wolf. Excerpted by permission of Grand Central Publishing. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site. I remember one woman who told me to be at her house at because she put the kids down at . All I could think about was who in the world wants to sleep with a wannabe comedian with no job and three kids? Do you want to go out for coffee and talk about it? She'd say things like, "'Here are some who like to run. When I was single without kids, I didn't have near this amount of success. But now, no job, no money, driving a minivan with three kids in the back, I get rich chicks walking up to me and grabbing my dick at an elementary school. For some of those ladies, when I drove up to school with three kids in the back of my Toyota Sienna I could almost hear vaginas starting to hum.

She lined up three bottles of water by the comforter so I didn't have to go into the kitchen and there was a bathroom five feet from our makeshift love nest. Right after my ex and I split up, I showed up to school and I didn't recognize a bunch of the women because their makeup was perfect, their hair was teased and blow-dried, and they all looked like they were dressed to go out for a drink. I mean, I did, but it's not like our break-up was a shock to me, her, or anyone within one hundred miles of us. Hell, I was a single father, so it made sense but the problem was that I was still young enough where I didn't want to just date breeders. I felt like a free agent baseball player who everyone wanted on their team.

Whether it's revealing the secrets to limitless hookups (hint: it's single moms) and getting rid of your children's friends that you just can't stand (hint: it's not single moms), or blackmailing PTA members and ignoring health codes, Josh is sure to impart some parenting wisdom along the way. A stand-up comic for thirteen years, Josh Wolf has toured with Larry the Cable Guy, Chelsea Handler, and "the Comedians of Chelsea Lately." His television work includes recurring roles on NBC's My Name Is Earl, and Fox's Raising Hope. The one thing I learned fast about single moms was that because of drama with their ex, kids' schedules, and life, getting involved with them was a roller coaster with lots of rules and regulations. It was really an interesting experience for me being a single dad. She was reading, "'One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish'" and slurred her way through all of it. You get all swampy." Her ex-husband was some bigwig, so she had tons of dough and absolutely no reason to ever work or do anything productive.

I was always the guy who made fun of people and their picnics. Did my ball knock over your red plastic cups that you brought out for your ridiculous fucking picnic?

As any of the 272,000 followers of the Instagram account “DILFs of Disneyland” will tell you, there’s just something about a man with a baby.

I smelled like goat cheese quesadillas for two years of my life. Why on earth would you try to have sex with me for the first time outside on a blanket that looks like it's been sitting in the back of your car for two years? I think it goes without saying that I got a lot of work done over that period of time. I could feel the difference with my little hot mamacita. We all talked a little longer until the ladies had to get the kids back to their houses for a nap. It was like bringing a puppy and a keg to the beach. I know it sounds like I had decided to use my kids to pick up women, because that's exactly what I did. " "Deal." And I walked over and talked to that cute girl. I know some of you are thinking, "There must have been some times when you didn't have to go out with a parent, right? " Not only was there no room, but I had decided I wasn't going to introduce my kids to anyone who I didn't think was going to be in their lives for a long time. In the past, I had ignored the flustered-looking woman who was wearing sweatpants in the supermarket and looking at a list, while shuffling through a pocket full of coupons.

I know this is going to sound like a statement made by Captain Obvious but having no money really limits what you can do. I was bringing the blanket and she was bringing the vagina. " (It was one year and that's exactly where I got it.) Then she said, "The least you could have done was to bring me back to your place and try it." (*Obviously, she wasn't that well versed on Rule Number One.) Rule Number Three: On top of that, when I made a date, I couldn't pick them up; I had to meet them there. I was completely frustrated because I was fighting my fate. I mean, as soon as she heard I was a single dad, it was like her temperature changed. And that's when I heard, "Do you want to bring Jacob and have lunch with us at the house? Let's not think of who won't have sex with me because of those three rules; let's think of who will. Wait a second, I have to completely change my eye level here. To be fair to myself, I never did it in a way that put them in danger or where they were being ignored or neglected. There had to be some young'un who was willing to share the wealth." Nope. On top of that, my apartment was a fucking disaster. I would never look up to see the exhausted-looking women at the park, who sat in the shade with books, looking like they hadn't been off their feet since the beginning of time. (Continues...) Excerpted from It Takes Balls by Josh Wolf. Excerpted by permission of Grand Central Publishing. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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